containers of consistency
a revelation I had earlier in the week whilst sitting down and wrestling with the demon in my mind: how can I expect to show up when I hardly give myself the chance or the space to? how can I expect there to feel safe to show up when Im the first one to look away? Dont get too close, the next thought can come, and we can erase any closeness to what might’ve leant itself to feeling. I have been rushing into the next moment without regard for the one I’m currently in, though not moving fast enough to not graze up against my own fear. Again and again the trick fails, and I am left feeling only a fraction of what might have been, too consumed with projecting everything that could go wrong. Eager for the next moving thought to take me. The pause between action and my response has been quick lately— if I dont give myself space to feel into the expansive moments of my own time, then I can’t expect full presence. I’ve been in the both/and of everything lately, and today was the first time in a while I sat down and just sat with it. I held my own hand, quieted the shrill tone of worry. When I get caught up in the gust of what’s to come, I remind myself the only plan is presence. At any moment I can choose to be still with all of it. Im practicing this. Im practicing giving myself the space to experience the pause. Im practicing showing up in this moment and this one only. I’m practicing respect by paying attention to whats here now. Im practicing allowing the full expression of this myself in this moment and not looking away. I will fail at this, and I don’t care. I am practicing taking the pressure off. I am practicing.
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In this practice of consistency there is also joy, and there is the space to feel it.
“at the jazz bar with friends who drive all the way up from Long Beach and I run into another friend and we drink tempranillo and tap our feet to the music. candles flicker off of wine glasses and every space in this room is filled with motion. this morning I was on my belly journaling all my worries, I looked up and Ben had walked up with a pot of coffee to pour me some, we both agreed it was a beautiful day out. just yesterday I walked the hill and watched a flurry of swallows gliding above overgrown grasses. all around me are these little joys. I feel foolish. I am still searching for the faults. Saturn left Aquarius and who knows what it quantifiably means but if it’s an excuse to lend some grace and ease to the heaviness of the last three years, if it’s an exit strategy out of my current one that runs off of old wounds I wont let heal, give it to me. Give me the out. Shine the light out of my own tunnel vision. i want to be here with all of it, i want to give myself all the space to be fully with it. the both and of the quickness of time and the relief that comes with simply noticing it.”