recognizing and reckoning
looking at how the days leave their marks on you, shifting you bit by bit
Bruised myself real good the other day at work, not paying attention and being careless— had to rub my leg a good 4 minutes and breathe and not cry. Nothing like a a run in with a sharp corner to really humble you. Now it’s been in “bloom” for a while and not showing any signs of leaving. I’m trying to take it as a sign to slow down but being in this season of stillness, the inbetween, has me anxious for movement of any kind. Im walking in the mornings, I’m writing to future and past selves, I show up for my yoga practice, I do the dishes, I make the bed, I make another cup of coffee and think about what to eat, the afternoon comes and all things come to a lull. I look around and try to get things going. How do afternoons drag on for so long? What is it about the relief that comes with a sunset? These days seem aimless and wandering at times, and now I’m looking down at my thigh, at this raised smattering of blue and purple, and literally watching time as it moves, one thing disappearing into the next, I’m reminded that it’s all carrying on whether Im attentive to it or not. I try to not resent it, but time seems persistent this month in showing me all the ways I was not paying it with my full presence. The bruise is a nudge, be here with all of it. I’m trying! I’m trying. I’ll forgive myself as I retrace steps, make forward motions with good intentions, fall backwards in the tangent of half a memory, get bruised, recenter, come back, recommit. I can be with this moment, too.
I heard a cry in the canyon and walked closer to the edge of the little look out spot, looked down and saw a coyote sitting on a grassy hillside.
Looked at the flowers that look like stars, and thought about tiny miracles. They are everywhere, I dont have to look very hard, but I do need to pay attention.
Im trying to be less dogmatic (in my self preservation), and give myself some space to move with all of it, learn to sway. A prayer: let the awe turn into wonder, let the wonder turn to joy.
I'm here, I'm here, I'm here and I can also be relieved.
Seek & Feel is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.