the slowest month
January comes with a great big sigh, and it feels like getting into a tub with water that takes a minute to ease into. Im slow to drop myself in it, my exhales come out through pursed lips.
It isn’t all tense though, I am relaxing into it. It’s just the undoing of the last 12 months, feels like it’s finding its home in my body. Catching up with myself and having days recluse’d inside hiding from the rain and looking around at the life around me, evidence of someone (me) being well loved— accepting the reality of the where I actually currently physically and literally am, time has a very deceitful way of story telling sometimes. My praise for january is the time it allows me to really be with everything I’ve been too nervous or shy to really be with fully. Im sitting in the living room and Ben is cooking dinner for us, I’m wearing a new favorite dress and our home is warm despite the rain outside, I have to be adamant in honoring the good when I see it. I’m here, im with it all.
Historically this is the month where I don’t drink any alcohol, and instead commit to the three M’s that rule of my well being: movement, meditation, and morning pages. I also decided to not pick at my hands, I also decided to read up on forgiveness, I also decided that there would be very little wiggle room and I’d have to sit with my feelings despite how uncomfortable it all can be. I’ve been going on a lot of walks, and try to balance looking down at the ground and looking up and out at the landscape that I wont be calling home for much longer. Then sitting with those feelings. Then deciding that it might be better to just do something and feed my mind something other than myself.
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repeating myself in many mantras-
remember where my feet are, finally catching my breath
letting it rise up just enough for me to catch a glimpse,
feel it leave as soon as it comes
it’s alright to be here,
through pursed lips a sigh leaves,
I can find the ease even in this heavenly moment